Night thoughts

The worst is when it all changes, slowly, and quietly. That conversation, that midnight chat, the seconds that felt like forever, all begins to become a distant memory. Change, it’s bound to happen, we know this; yet we can never be prepared for its storm. 

Sitting here pondering on the days that have passed, I’m left reconciling a lost friendship, a feeling of alone, and this gripping sense of mortality slipping with every second. Depression, it bites at those late hours, when the world lays there heads on fluffy pillows and cotton sheets; it rears its illogical patterns upon the wanderers, the weary, the recovering, the lovers, the sinning, and the many silent ones we still haven’t heard. Some time between the happy thoughts of listening to someone at the bar and my most recent phone notification, my brain ticked. 

Like a light switch being flicked on or off, these sad irregular thoughts washed over my face and consumed my present. The usual reaction, find some good music, write, or talk to someone and try to make them laugh. It’s a defense mechanism, when I’m feeling down, I tend to want to make others happy. Escaping my own problems, but seeing those results, felt like I had beat the depression with good ole psychology… but I was only burying it, adding to the piles of stress that was now a foundation of no balance. Time would be the only measuring stick, until it all came crashing down.

Writing wasn’t working. My go to music and pen relationship was bleak tonight. Setting my wheels to another direction, I checked out messenger to see if anyone was on. She was…. but I hadn’t heard from her in a week. Giving space was my reason to myself, but, the truth was, I didn’t know what to say. Everything felt so awkward any more, and messaging felt hollow compared to the conversations we had over a cigarette. My depression sent tears to my eyes, as I realized how alone I was again. That thought seems to resonate like a hot iron when the moon sets in the sky. 

Taking a deep breath, I sat back down at the edge of my bed. Setting my phone down, closing my eyes, I told myself; “this will pass.”

Maybe it will, briefly, maybe it won’t. Some days are better than others, and today’s not one of those days any more. Hears to healing, hoping these waves of depression take their much needed exit and stay lost somewhere in a void. Until then, I’m going to spend some time writing out these entries and posting them. Usually these are discarded in my trash after a sloppy re-read and it’s gone forever. However, with my life the way it is right now, I feel like complete transparency is healthy for me to take the steps I need to, to move forward. 

Night. 

“falling”

Wish away, another shooting star

Distant childhood hopes, fading out of view

Lying there on the blanket, gazing afar

Discussions of life, until ours faces were blue

Slipping away from the stresses of life 

Spreading laughs and music into the night

Hearing stories, forgiving past strife 

Discord of the big picture, out of sight 

Mighty, our passion to lend a hand 

Solving the problems for the less fortunate 

Speaking of justice, declaring a firm stand 

Falling in that moment, just a little bit

Seeing the heart of this porcelain moon 

Glow like the sun on a morning dew 

Galaxies, atoms, even a bug cocoon 

Talking, listening, all I want, from you

“vent”

yell, scream, tell one another no more

Pouring our anger through words and recollection

Seething tensions louder than a slammed door 

Tearing through past messages, dissection

Election, up to a vote, hangry pains 

Don’t get soft, tell me off, be mean 

Sink the teeth to the bone, aim for the veins

Vent your hate, then sedate; that feel good Bean 

“the fool”

 

Shakin, hand reaches into the pocket, to hand off a cancer stick

Pausing, as the wind shivers the bones, a star-y night gazes down

Light the fire for a puff, inhale, magic, what a kick

Staring at your silhouette, moon light in your eyes, dumbfound

Galaxies stare down, admiring what my eyes study

A porcelain moon child, brown eyed and beautiful

Pleading not to see the day, when we say our good byes

Smile, be happy, the time is almost here; me, I play the fool

Wasting day light, in fright, sight of you might crush me

Unraveling the yarn holding me together, a tangled mess

No parade, no serenade, seduction fades, but love forgave

In the end, a little used, abused, another scar to hide

Confide, I found one, but now that bird is flying high

Seeking new adventure, mine, almost over

Benign, a sign, that not all love is meant in time

Trickling like sand through an hourglass, quite fast

No romance, no last dance, no see you again

Jim said it best, “This is the end, my beautiful friend..”

“stitches”

Miles seem like universes apart
No longer a skip and a hop from my heart
Riding around site seeing or finding food
Giving in to temptation, just like the dude
Energy of your presence, I will surely miss
Giggling laughter, big smiles, and lips I desired to kiss
All that time, I waited, and waited far too long

Getting passed up, for another person’s forever song
Time is now behind me, and the days grow short
Love is no longer a driving force; that mission, I abort
Favoring the hunt for a few more smiles, moments, and dreams
Before this stitched bear, bursts at the seams

“Mornin’ brew”

 

Soft wind, mother nature’s crisp delight of a winter wake
Slipping between the door and windows, seeping in to share my home
Beans a brewing, silk black, bacon on the tray ready to bake
Dogs lie in bed, music calms the head, silence from my phone
Needle scratch, vinyl black, the Monkees start to jam
Oh, snow storm, bring it on, ready to be stuck here
Belly rubs for two pups, honks heard from the fam
Everyone up and moving, I think I’ll have myself a beer

 

As Jim Morrison once said, it’s never too early to have a cold one… or something like that.

 

“pieces”

 

Picking up, it’s that time again
Where the road splits, my friend
This is not goodbye, not yet
Eyes weary, I’m going to watch the sun set

Tired and hurting, a perfect place to heal
A silent sky, artist’s canvas; a raw deal
Excuse me, my mind isn’t right, anyway
since birth it’s been broke, a lil’ more today
At fault, point the finger of shame, a glutton for pain
Brittle pieces, knees collapse, last straw to stay sane
Broken, not defeated, rest assured this isn’t your mess
A cycle to the same result, I’m left with less

Pieces will be forgotten, left behind
A time machine, wanted so time can rewind
Place my heart back in its vault, before it was caught
To remember that love you created and I sought
Real walks and talks; laying under the moon & stars
Sipping drinks, listening to your playlist outside the bar
Silent nights were a delight, only me, and you
How cute you were, I don’t think you ever knew
The way your cheeks hung, eyes open, when surprised
How the eye lashes fluttered, when you were happy
or pursed your lips when you focused, I know, sappy
Intelligence unrivaled, with a tongue of wit, it would pierce
Mother nature feared you, for your storm was fierce
Never had any intentions to fall for you from the start
The more I got to know you, heavier grew my heart
For those I let hold it, I ask, be kind
Courage is hard for me to find
Making a mess of this, I confess
I’m blubbering, sheesh, geez-us
When I took that leap, I was in a state of hope
Rationale discarded, pleading this not the end of the rope
Where I have been before, alone and unsure
Of purpose, worth, and who I can trust
My apologies, this has become a big fuss
You did nothing wrong, I assure you
Thank you friend, I’m sorry, I love you

Picking up, it’s that time again
Where we go separate ways, my friend
This is not goodbye, no not yet
Eyes heavy, going to watch the sunset

Tears accompany the mind’s displeasure
At losing sight of the bonds we don’t measure
Having an ear to speak to, was my reason for you
Listening, when you would share; all I wanted to do
Pit-pat-the clock of my head to my heart synced
Tackled by wrong timing; thinking energies felt linked
Clutching to a string, a quilt of comfort
Counting days, until I found out that time was numbered
Scattered across the universe, the mind is a terrible place
Trade it all, from hell to space, to speak again, face to face

Serendipity, they say it finds us when we need it
When angels weep and the good lord cries
thunder rains, animals hide, safety nets we provide
a blanket of security, wrapping arms around’em for assurity
Curiously, I tried doubting father times objection
Figured the old man had forgot the message
Sent years ago, where I sat balling my eyes out on the bed
This letter went to another, who shut the door that day, nothing said
Never to be heard from again, it was harder than the diagnosis
Closure, fuck it, that wasn’t meant to be, sad for eternity
Kleenex, no thank you, wearing my feelings on my face
Call it what you want, I have no disgrace
Opening up my heart was the hardest part of meeting you
I believed, truly, that the past could not be repeated, so sue
Waking up, every picture, every post, deleted
Leaving all my memories, in a scattered brain…

in pieces